Why do I perform? What egoistic ideal drives the maniacal mind behind the voice? How dare I presume to stand in front of crowds under a spotlight?
I have been confronted by others asking me these questions. Heck, I ask myself these questions every time I get on stage for the next show. What is it about myself that I think is worth sharing with an audience? Even on a blog such as this. Why do I think my voice should be more powerful than anyone else's?
Easy: I don't.
This question has plagued me throughout my career thus far, especially the past month or so as I prepare myself to move to the Big Apple next Fall. I keep psychoanalyzing myself, calling myself out on whatever Id is driving me. And yet, I hardly feel like an egoist. I have more insecurities than I would care to name to anyone, even my closest friends, I have created more hardships for myself than I probably should have, and I worry constantly about what others think of me. Draw whatever conclusions you wish, but I think I know my answer.
I love. I love a lot. Even if it seems like I dislike you with a fiery passion, I love you. I have often said that the opposite of love isn't hate. Hate means you still care about someone. The opposite is indifference and, goodness knows, I have never been indifferent about a thing in my life.
I found myself talking to a group of high schoolers a couple weeks ago about why I teach voice lessons. I had never thought about it before, and I hadn't prepared my speech. However, as I started to ramble, my mind made its way back to a point I used to drill in to my college students' heads: Do not sing if you do not have something to say. Plain and simple. You get on stage, you have something important to say. End of story. If you don't, leave. That may sound harsh, but the business is harsh and you need to find your heart in the matter or else you'll become bitter and cruel.
So what do I have to say when I get on stage? I think it's my over-stated way of telling the audience I love them and, while I may not be able to empathize with them, I can certainly sympathize with them. Being human is difficult and none of us should be on this road alone.
In one of my undergrad courses we talked quite often about why we do what we do. It was a non-traditional theatre course, so we had many metaphysical and philosophical conversations as a group, but this one stuck with me the most. Being a small, private, Christian school we needed to discuss how we could rationalize performing a deplorable character while maintaining the moral fiber of our faith. I don't remember every argument on either side, but I remember the one that stuck with me and resonated with my story: Each human being, whether we see them as scrupulous or not, has a story, has an asterisk at the end of their sentence, and far be it from me to say I am unwilling to provide that story to those who may not have had access to it in the past.
This then leads me to say that, if I need to share people's stories, I have to have a reason to share them. I share because I love the audience. I care about their futures. I want to be able to share with them something that might help them further on in their lives.
I don't want to ramble, so I will leave it at that. I have a reason to be on stage and it is not to satisfy my ego. It is because I am locked in a relationship with the audience and I care deeply about them. If anything kept me from that, I don't know what I'd do.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
The Performer and the Role
There is something I have had to struggle with as an actor for years. It frustrated me at first, even kept me from really wanting to perform. It disgusted me, frightened me, and disillusioned me. How could I play that person on stage?
There is also something that audience members struggle with. It frustrates them, and even keeps them at arms length from the performer. It creeps them out, scares them, and even frightens them away. Of course they are that person in real life.
The distinction between performer and role is a tough one to find. I first started thinking about it when I went to see a production of Miss Saigon in Seattle almost ten years back. It was an event focused at educating young actors and giving them an inside look at theater. We all came in early in the afternoon, were given a chance to rehearse numbers from the show with the music director and had a pizza feed. But the part that still sticks with me today was the Q&A session with a few of the actors. For those of you who don't know, Miss Saigon is written by Boublil and Schönberg (the creative team behind Les Miserables), and chronicles the life of a young Vietnamese girl who is forced into a life of prostitution, falls in love with an American soldier, bears him a child, and ultimately commits suicide. Horribly uplifting.
This show has a role in it that frustrated me to no end. It is that of Jane, the American soldier's wife in the US who comes to Vietnam and meets the prostitute and dukes it out for her husband. This role was played by a lady who taught me a lesson that I still think about to this day: The performer and the role are separate things. While she may not have said it so succinctly, the heart of the matter is there. We often get caught up in the idea that actors are the characters they portray.
Before you start arguing, I will grant you one concession. Every role I play has a part of me in it. Whenever I take on a role that has been played for decades or centuries, I have to find my voice through it. I find that kernel of truth that resonates with me through the character's bad choices or terrible fashion. I need to be able to show an audience who the character truly is, and therefore I must find a way to make that character me (or make myself the character). But ultimately, they are just that. A character.
I recently watched the documentary "I Am Divine" about the late, great drag performer. He made a brilliant point during one of his interviews where he noted to the host that he did not show up in drag because that was his "j-o-b" and not who he really was. He insisted that Divine was in the closet and a couple of suitcases rather than on the show that night. This really struck me. A performer as iconic as Divine made a distinction between himself and his female character. This distinction has been made throughout the centuries as such famous actors as Marilyn Monroe and Lady Gaga. People who are willing to create a character that sells in order to maintain some semblance of themselves to share with their friends and family.
Once all of that had stuck in my mind, I started thinking about myself and how I act around those I love and trust versus those I work with and spend time with on a daily basis. I realized that even I put on an act when I'm at work. I'm all smiles and caffeine, and would-you-like-an-extra-shot-in-that-drink. But when I'm at home I'm more genuine and listen more carefully. Is this necessarily a bad distinction to make? I grew up in a society that said that having two faces was a bad thing. I took this to heart. But then what that actress in Seattle said to me all those years ago changed that in my mind. It is okay to put on a facade if it is for the use of a character. If I am using that effervescent person to put a smile on someone's face and brighten their day, I'm all for that. In contrast, if I am cast in an opera or any other show in which I must play the villain or the unsavory character, I am more than willing, because that character helps the plot and can, in and of themselves, teach a lesson.
Now, all of that aside, if I were to only be that person, that persona, I would have a problem as I wouldn't ever be able to fully participate in a discussion, or comfort a friend, or cut loose and enjoy a party. But I need to know, for my own sake, the difference between me and my character.
Whenever you meet a performer, get to know them as they are, not as the character they portray. I had that issue with the actress from Miss Saigon. Even though she was the one who taught me the lesson that shaped me the most in my high school years, I couldn't distinguish her from that person I remember from the balcony of the 5th Avenue Theater. This past Summer I spent several weeks as a music director for an elementary-aged musical theater camp and worked one-on-one with many of the office workers and administrative helpers at our parent company. As I was helping to pack up the van on the last day of camp for the summer I struck up a conversation with the lady who was packing it with me. Turns out she had a higher-level degree in voice sciences and had been on a national tour with a show and had Broadway credits. She even mentioned that she had been in Miss Saigon at the 5th Avenue Theater years back. It took me by surprise that the middle-class working mother I had been working alongside all Summer was the lady who inspired me as a high schooler.
Do not be fooled by the characters we play. Us performers like to put on an act to shield ourselves from the hurt and pain we know will happen to us as humans, but take the time to get to know us and you will find people as normal as the rest of humanity. Dig through the roles we play to find the performer underneath. You may be surprised.
There is also something that audience members struggle with. It frustrates them, and even keeps them at arms length from the performer. It creeps them out, scares them, and even frightens them away. Of course they are that person in real life.
The distinction between performer and role is a tough one to find. I first started thinking about it when I went to see a production of Miss Saigon in Seattle almost ten years back. It was an event focused at educating young actors and giving them an inside look at theater. We all came in early in the afternoon, were given a chance to rehearse numbers from the show with the music director and had a pizza feed. But the part that still sticks with me today was the Q&A session with a few of the actors. For those of you who don't know, Miss Saigon is written by Boublil and Schönberg (the creative team behind Les Miserables), and chronicles the life of a young Vietnamese girl who is forced into a life of prostitution, falls in love with an American soldier, bears him a child, and ultimately commits suicide. Horribly uplifting.
This show has a role in it that frustrated me to no end. It is that of Jane, the American soldier's wife in the US who comes to Vietnam and meets the prostitute and dukes it out for her husband. This role was played by a lady who taught me a lesson that I still think about to this day: The performer and the role are separate things. While she may not have said it so succinctly, the heart of the matter is there. We often get caught up in the idea that actors are the characters they portray.
Before you start arguing, I will grant you one concession. Every role I play has a part of me in it. Whenever I take on a role that has been played for decades or centuries, I have to find my voice through it. I find that kernel of truth that resonates with me through the character's bad choices or terrible fashion. I need to be able to show an audience who the character truly is, and therefore I must find a way to make that character me (or make myself the character). But ultimately, they are just that. A character.
I recently watched the documentary "I Am Divine" about the late, great drag performer. He made a brilliant point during one of his interviews where he noted to the host that he did not show up in drag because that was his "j-o-b" and not who he really was. He insisted that Divine was in the closet and a couple of suitcases rather than on the show that night. This really struck me. A performer as iconic as Divine made a distinction between himself and his female character. This distinction has been made throughout the centuries as such famous actors as Marilyn Monroe and Lady Gaga. People who are willing to create a character that sells in order to maintain some semblance of themselves to share with their friends and family.
Once all of that had stuck in my mind, I started thinking about myself and how I act around those I love and trust versus those I work with and spend time with on a daily basis. I realized that even I put on an act when I'm at work. I'm all smiles and caffeine, and would-you-like-an-extra-shot-in-that-drink. But when I'm at home I'm more genuine and listen more carefully. Is this necessarily a bad distinction to make? I grew up in a society that said that having two faces was a bad thing. I took this to heart. But then what that actress in Seattle said to me all those years ago changed that in my mind. It is okay to put on a facade if it is for the use of a character. If I am using that effervescent person to put a smile on someone's face and brighten their day, I'm all for that. In contrast, if I am cast in an opera or any other show in which I must play the villain or the unsavory character, I am more than willing, because that character helps the plot and can, in and of themselves, teach a lesson.
Now, all of that aside, if I were to only be that person, that persona, I would have a problem as I wouldn't ever be able to fully participate in a discussion, or comfort a friend, or cut loose and enjoy a party. But I need to know, for my own sake, the difference between me and my character.
Whenever you meet a performer, get to know them as they are, not as the character they portray. I had that issue with the actress from Miss Saigon. Even though she was the one who taught me the lesson that shaped me the most in my high school years, I couldn't distinguish her from that person I remember from the balcony of the 5th Avenue Theater. This past Summer I spent several weeks as a music director for an elementary-aged musical theater camp and worked one-on-one with many of the office workers and administrative helpers at our parent company. As I was helping to pack up the van on the last day of camp for the summer I struck up a conversation with the lady who was packing it with me. Turns out she had a higher-level degree in voice sciences and had been on a national tour with a show and had Broadway credits. She even mentioned that she had been in Miss Saigon at the 5th Avenue Theater years back. It took me by surprise that the middle-class working mother I had been working alongside all Summer was the lady who inspired me as a high schooler.
Do not be fooled by the characters we play. Us performers like to put on an act to shield ourselves from the hurt and pain we know will happen to us as humans, but take the time to get to know us and you will find people as normal as the rest of humanity. Dig through the roles we play to find the performer underneath. You may be surprised.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
"Fat Opera Singer"
Read this first *Language Disclaimer*: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/10/lets-talk-about-thin-privilege/
While this article is aimed at women, it applies to men as well. It is a very interesting article, and I agree wholeheartedly. I often feel like I have to explain myself to the cashier at the grocery store simply because I'm buying a couple frozen meals to have on hand in case I need something fast before a rehearsal. I have been told by flight attendants that I need to buy a second seat for myself the next time I fly. I have had people laugh at me for walking around with a McDonald's bag when that was the only food I could afford before going to work.
Ms. Fabello makes some great points about privilege in general and the responses to fat- and skinny-shaming. However, she forgets to note that eating disorders aren't only for thin people. I am considered to have an eating disorder because I stress-eat and I often feel "addicted" to food. I also have hypothyroidism and have been told for a very long time that I am not as good as I could be as a human because I'm overweight. Now, these people that have mentioned my weight to me may have had very good intentions (teachers, friends, family members, etc.), but by pointing out that I really should do something about my weight if I was going to make it in this world it made me feel like I was less than I should be.
This same idea comes to play as an opera singer. Read this article before continuing: http://www.npr.org/blogs/deceptivecadence/2014/05/20/314007632/in-2014-the-classical-world-still-cant-stop-fat-shaming-women
What is disheartening to me about that article is the fact that Miss Erraught is by no means obese. She is a full-figured women, but can anyone tell me why that is bad? When did someone's weight become the deciding factor over whether someone was healthy? Or even if they are talented? This issue has come to a head in my own life while I follow the Barihunks blog. There are some seriously talented singers on this blog; there are some that I would challenge in terms of technique, but there are many talented singers on this blog. However, I have recently realized that the Barihunks have been fat-shaming me inadvertently. Here I am, holding them up as the pinnacle of what an operatic baritone's body should be, all the while feeling like crap because that is not what I am.
The conclusion I have come to after 24 years of feeling sorry for myself and not feeling human because of the culture in which I live is that I am myself. I am exactly what I am supposed to be right now. I have also realized that I am nowhere near the health I should be in at this point in time. When I see friends rock climbing, I realize that I could not do that because I have no upper arm strength. I see friends walking everywhere and enjoying it, but I nearly died after a 2.45 mile walk yesterday and had to take the bus home just so I wouldn't faint. This is where I am: I need to be aware of my health, both for my own sake and the sake of my career.
I am in a perfect place to do this. I live in Missoula, Montana, where being outdoorsy is cool. People are constantly biking, running, walking, jogging, anything to be outside and exercise. I live within minutes' drives of hundreds of hiking trails. I am poised for a health shift, and I am working hard at that right now. I am tracking the food I'm eating, how much exercise I'm getting, even being aware of how much sugar I'm intaking (this is a big one as I work at Starbucks... those coffees sure stack up!). This is not because I feel shame for being fat anymore. In fact, I'm rather glad I'm obese. I'm rather vain and can only imagine how narcissistic I would be if I had our culture's idea of a perfect body. Instead, I take myself where I am and see myself getting to the health level at which I need to be.
Keep me honest. Ask me what I had to eat today. Check up on my water intake, how much sleep I'm getting, what I'm eating for snacks, and whether or not I'm exercising. I need the help to stay on track to get myself healthy and able to keep up with my friends and family.
Fat-shame me all you want, but "I'm big, [not so] blonde, and beautiful."
While this article is aimed at women, it applies to men as well. It is a very interesting article, and I agree wholeheartedly. I often feel like I have to explain myself to the cashier at the grocery store simply because I'm buying a couple frozen meals to have on hand in case I need something fast before a rehearsal. I have been told by flight attendants that I need to buy a second seat for myself the next time I fly. I have had people laugh at me for walking around with a McDonald's bag when that was the only food I could afford before going to work.
Ms. Fabello makes some great points about privilege in general and the responses to fat- and skinny-shaming. However, she forgets to note that eating disorders aren't only for thin people. I am considered to have an eating disorder because I stress-eat and I often feel "addicted" to food. I also have hypothyroidism and have been told for a very long time that I am not as good as I could be as a human because I'm overweight. Now, these people that have mentioned my weight to me may have had very good intentions (teachers, friends, family members, etc.), but by pointing out that I really should do something about my weight if I was going to make it in this world it made me feel like I was less than I should be.
This same idea comes to play as an opera singer. Read this article before continuing: http://www.npr.org/blogs/deceptivecadence/2014/05/20/314007632/in-2014-the-classical-world-still-cant-stop-fat-shaming-women
What is disheartening to me about that article is the fact that Miss Erraught is by no means obese. She is a full-figured women, but can anyone tell me why that is bad? When did someone's weight become the deciding factor over whether someone was healthy? Or even if they are talented? This issue has come to a head in my own life while I follow the Barihunks blog. There are some seriously talented singers on this blog; there are some that I would challenge in terms of technique, but there are many talented singers on this blog. However, I have recently realized that the Barihunks have been fat-shaming me inadvertently. Here I am, holding them up as the pinnacle of what an operatic baritone's body should be, all the while feeling like crap because that is not what I am.
The conclusion I have come to after 24 years of feeling sorry for myself and not feeling human because of the culture in which I live is that I am myself. I am exactly what I am supposed to be right now. I have also realized that I am nowhere near the health I should be in at this point in time. When I see friends rock climbing, I realize that I could not do that because I have no upper arm strength. I see friends walking everywhere and enjoying it, but I nearly died after a 2.45 mile walk yesterday and had to take the bus home just so I wouldn't faint. This is where I am: I need to be aware of my health, both for my own sake and the sake of my career.
I am in a perfect place to do this. I live in Missoula, Montana, where being outdoorsy is cool. People are constantly biking, running, walking, jogging, anything to be outside and exercise. I live within minutes' drives of hundreds of hiking trails. I am poised for a health shift, and I am working hard at that right now. I am tracking the food I'm eating, how much exercise I'm getting, even being aware of how much sugar I'm intaking (this is a big one as I work at Starbucks... those coffees sure stack up!). This is not because I feel shame for being fat anymore. In fact, I'm rather glad I'm obese. I'm rather vain and can only imagine how narcissistic I would be if I had our culture's idea of a perfect body. Instead, I take myself where I am and see myself getting to the health level at which I need to be.
Keep me honest. Ask me what I had to eat today. Check up on my water intake, how much sleep I'm getting, what I'm eating for snacks, and whether or not I'm exercising. I need the help to stay on track to get myself healthy and able to keep up with my friends and family.
Fat-shame me all you want, but "I'm big, [not so] blonde, and beautiful."
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Aching Muscles
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| My new protein supplement |
I have played at working out, going to the gym regularly, eating healthily, even following strict dieting and gym regimens, but I always gave up on them quickly because they were not important to me. However, I need to take better care of my body as I leave school and begin my career. In any performer's life, it becomes obvious at some point that their health is of utmost importance. Especially for singers who use their own bodies as instruments; my body must work at its best at all times.
In order to facilitate this change, I have begun to use a protein supplement in order to better feed my muscles. During college my low budget kept me eating a lot of carbs and fats, as they were the least expensive option. Due to this I have now reached my heaviest at 405.2 lbs. While I will not be regularly checking my weight (as that is the easiest way to become discouraged while gaining muscle and losing fat), it was important for me to know this number as a way to show myself the importance of this journey. The next thing I have done is I enrolled in a group weight lifting and endurance course at my local rec center in order to keep myself working out on a regular basis.
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| This is the closest I could get to smiling after the workout |
This journey is going to take me awhile, and I will need to keep on it all summer in order to create a habit that will stick with me into the next school year, but I look forward to seeing the benefits of exercise and seeing how my art improves with my health.
I do not post any of this to brag about my accomplishments - goodness knows it has taken me long enough to get to this point and I have nothing to brag about - but instead to encourage others who are in my same position and need to see others to get the hope I found today. I plan on continually updating you all on this journey as I count it as part of my artistic and personal journey. I send out a thank you to everyone who has encouraged me thus far and, if you want to, I would love for you to continue as I know I will want to give up, but I cannot afford to do so.
This is a great article on the subject of opera singers staying fit: https://opera.org.au/discover/features/Opera_Singing_Fitness
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Segue
I have graduated! I am officially a master of music, whatever that might entail. I have purchased a new laptop, am working on consolidating my life and getting ready to...move back to Missoula! That's right, it has become obvious that staying an extra year in the states would make worlds of sense in order to save money and prepare myself for life away from family and school.
It may seem strange, but I have never lived more than nine hours from my family and my parents have been extremely kind in helping me out fiscally quite a bit and the school has kept me safe in terms of income, but I need a chance to learn how to live life as an independent adult and I would rather do that in a relatively familiar setting before heading abroad. To quell any concerns, I do still intend to make the voyage across the pond, but not as soon as originally planned.
This gives me a chance to continue to grow the relationships with teachers I had begun in Missoula and keep students on in order to maintain that growth, as well as personal growth with my own mentor and teacher. However, I now have to look for a real-life job and figure out where I'm going to live. Thusly, as a good Seattlite, I have applied to Starbucks and plan to also apply to Costco, as both are great to their employees and have travel abilities (Starbucks more so).
This Summer I am working as a music director for a 3rd-6th grade musical theatre camp at Studio East in Kirkland, WA, as well as doing some coaching and working at my old stand-by and favorite place on Earth, Build-A-Bear Workshop. This will give me time to practice and work up my Met Auditions packet for the coming year as well as work on writing my opera, which will (hopefully) be workshopped and premiered at the University of Montana next year. More word on that later.
That's about it for now. I will keep you updated as my life progresses.
It may seem strange, but I have never lived more than nine hours from my family and my parents have been extremely kind in helping me out fiscally quite a bit and the school has kept me safe in terms of income, but I need a chance to learn how to live life as an independent adult and I would rather do that in a relatively familiar setting before heading abroad. To quell any concerns, I do still intend to make the voyage across the pond, but not as soon as originally planned.
This gives me a chance to continue to grow the relationships with teachers I had begun in Missoula and keep students on in order to maintain that growth, as well as personal growth with my own mentor and teacher. However, I now have to look for a real-life job and figure out where I'm going to live. Thusly, as a good Seattlite, I have applied to Starbucks and plan to also apply to Costco, as both are great to their employees and have travel abilities (Starbucks more so).
This Summer I am working as a music director for a 3rd-6th grade musical theatre camp at Studio East in Kirkland, WA, as well as doing some coaching and working at my old stand-by and favorite place on Earth, Build-A-Bear Workshop. This will give me time to practice and work up my Met Auditions packet for the coming year as well as work on writing my opera, which will (hopefully) be workshopped and premiered at the University of Montana next year. More word on that later.
That's about it for now. I will keep you updated as my life progresses.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Coda
Here I am, with naught but two weeks left of my master's degree, stressing over journal articles, aria analyses, grading students' homework, and memorizing music for my final jury. I'm not going to pretend like my course load is any worse than anyone else's, but it is a lot. Especially while planning an album and getting ready to record.
I am currently getting final copies of scores from composers, rehearsing with my collaborators, and defining my role as performer. Which seems strange, but I feel is even more important on a CD than in person. When I am giving a recital or performance of any sort in front of an audience, I am able to connect with them vis a vis, while on a CD I have to portray everything through my voice. This is proving to be a difficult but important lesson. I am being forced to explore my use of timbre, dynamic, and phrasing in a very different way than I have in the past, creating almost a conversation-like atmosphere in the music. I am also relying more upon my collaborative pianist, Scott Koljonen, much more than I have in the past; he is a partner in conversation rather than background music or support. He and I have been working one-on-one quite a bit to create this dialogue and figure each other out as musicians. This is my favorite part of music.
Beyond learning the music, this opportunity has allowed me to work with the composers of the works I am singing. This rarely happens, as we opera singers deal with much older works and "dead white guys" more often than not. In this situation, I am able to simply ask the composer what he or she was implying with dynamics or vocal lines or phrasing. I can find out what the text means to them and why they chose those particular pieces. And, in the case of one composer who is also a vocalist, find out what vocal colors and effects he would have me use throughout his song cycle. This is an invaluable chance and I am so grateful and excited to have it.
But along with this comes the finishing of my course work. Writing papers on my favorite shows, analyzing arias that I have worked on but never really seemed to have the time to formally analyze... I am even working on an article for my pedagogy class that must be journal-ready. This has led me to have to do research into what journals to which I could submit, read up on a subject I know absolutely nothing about, make educated assumptions and remarks about said subject, and make it interesting to an audience of my peers. As a 23-year-old soon-to-be-graduated masters student, I had never really thought of myself as someone who could speak with any authority to my colleagues and, indeed, my mentors. But here I am, being required to do so and it is stretching my abilities and forcing me to take even more responsibility than I already have.
So there you have it, folks. An update on my current education and projects. I feel so blessed to be at a point in my life where my education is finally reaching its first zenith (or plateau, though that doesn't sound quite as hopeful), and I am being forced to fully grow up. Unlike Peter Pan, however, I am fine with occasionally wearing a tie. I love school, though I am a bit tired and ready for the real-world jobs. I am ready for this adventure called life, and I am ready to grow up.
In the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and one of the brilliant composers with whom I have the privilege of working:
"Awake! arise! the hour is late!
Angels are knocking at they door!
They are in haste and cannot wait,
And once departed come no more.
Awake! arise! the athlete's arm
Loses its strength by too much rest;
The fallow land, the untilled farm
Produces only weeds at best."
I am currently getting final copies of scores from composers, rehearsing with my collaborators, and defining my role as performer. Which seems strange, but I feel is even more important on a CD than in person. When I am giving a recital or performance of any sort in front of an audience, I am able to connect with them vis a vis, while on a CD I have to portray everything through my voice. This is proving to be a difficult but important lesson. I am being forced to explore my use of timbre, dynamic, and phrasing in a very different way than I have in the past, creating almost a conversation-like atmosphere in the music. I am also relying more upon my collaborative pianist, Scott Koljonen, much more than I have in the past; he is a partner in conversation rather than background music or support. He and I have been working one-on-one quite a bit to create this dialogue and figure each other out as musicians. This is my favorite part of music.
Beyond learning the music, this opportunity has allowed me to work with the composers of the works I am singing. This rarely happens, as we opera singers deal with much older works and "dead white guys" more often than not. In this situation, I am able to simply ask the composer what he or she was implying with dynamics or vocal lines or phrasing. I can find out what the text means to them and why they chose those particular pieces. And, in the case of one composer who is also a vocalist, find out what vocal colors and effects he would have me use throughout his song cycle. This is an invaluable chance and I am so grateful and excited to have it.
But along with this comes the finishing of my course work. Writing papers on my favorite shows, analyzing arias that I have worked on but never really seemed to have the time to formally analyze... I am even working on an article for my pedagogy class that must be journal-ready. This has led me to have to do research into what journals to which I could submit, read up on a subject I know absolutely nothing about, make educated assumptions and remarks about said subject, and make it interesting to an audience of my peers. As a 23-year-old soon-to-be-graduated masters student, I had never really thought of myself as someone who could speak with any authority to my colleagues and, indeed, my mentors. But here I am, being required to do so and it is stretching my abilities and forcing me to take even more responsibility than I already have.
So there you have it, folks. An update on my current education and projects. I feel so blessed to be at a point in my life where my education is finally reaching its first zenith (or plateau, though that doesn't sound quite as hopeful), and I am being forced to fully grow up. Unlike Peter Pan, however, I am fine with occasionally wearing a tie. I love school, though I am a bit tired and ready for the real-world jobs. I am ready for this adventure called life, and I am ready to grow up.
In the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and one of the brilliant composers with whom I have the privilege of working:
"Awake! arise! the hour is late!
Angels are knocking at they door!
They are in haste and cannot wait,
And once departed come no more.
Awake! arise! the athlete's arm
Loses its strength by too much rest;
The fallow land, the untilled farm
Produces only weeds at best."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Toccata and Fugue
As some of you may know, I launched a fundraising page on indiegogo.com last November to try and raise money for my future doctoral program endeavors in the United Kingdom. I am getting close to the point where at I send in my applications to those programs, and I thought I should give an update to those who contributed and those who are interested for any other sort of reason.
First off, I raised $450 out of the hoped-for $20,000 that would pay for my visa, airfare, tuition, housing, etc. A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO THOSE WHO CONTRIBUTED!!! I love you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support in friendship and of my career, and for the arts in general! However, this amount seems to be exactly what I needed. I have found that, in my life, God always provides what I need and not what I want. So, this $450 is being deposited into a CD account over the next few months (BECU won't do it in one lump sum, since I had already opened the account previously). That will then mature on graduation day and I will use it to buy a new computer, which I sorely need as my current one is jerry-rigged and will most likely explode one of these days. This is a crucial piece of equipment as, presumably, I will be writing a dissertation over the next three years and I will need a working device in order to fulfill that task as well as other school-related things.
My topic is yet to be officially approved, but I will give you a hint: I have become very interested in studying women composers (or as I like to call them, composers) as of late, and I shall be studying (*fingers crossed*) in the United Kingdom. Interest piqued? I sure hope so. Also, to draw you in even more, I shall be applying not only to the wonderful University of Cardiff in Wales, but also to Cambridge University and, perhaps, Oxford. I won't bore you with long, drawn-out explanations of childhood dreams and their unrequited fulfillments, but I will say that getting into any of those three schools would make me the happiest I have ever been in my life.
Currently, I am rehearsing three hours a day for the University of Montana's production of The Legend of Orpheus, a pastiche opera written by Prof. Anne Basinski and Dr. David Cody. I play a shepherd in the first act and Pluto, the god of the underworld in the second act. I promise you now that there will be photos of both personalities posted to this blog as soon as we go up (February 14, collective "aww"). Following that, I will finish out my time here in Missoula teaching and taking my final classes to qualify me for my masters degree and will graduate in May. I will let all of you wonderful readers know as soon as I find out about UK acceptances and (hopefully not, but let's not swell our heads too much) rejections.
Until there is further news, or I come up with a random music-related topic to discuss on this blog (perhaps an exposé on my transformation from "barichunk" to "barihunk"?), I bid you adieu to continue on into my collegiate fugue state.
"What a good thing this isn't music." - Gioachino Rossini on Hector Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique
First off, I raised $450 out of the hoped-for $20,000 that would pay for my visa, airfare, tuition, housing, etc. A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO THOSE WHO CONTRIBUTED!!! I love you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support in friendship and of my career, and for the arts in general! However, this amount seems to be exactly what I needed. I have found that, in my life, God always provides what I need and not what I want. So, this $450 is being deposited into a CD account over the next few months (BECU won't do it in one lump sum, since I had already opened the account previously). That will then mature on graduation day and I will use it to buy a new computer, which I sorely need as my current one is jerry-rigged and will most likely explode one of these days. This is a crucial piece of equipment as, presumably, I will be writing a dissertation over the next three years and I will need a working device in order to fulfill that task as well as other school-related things.
My topic is yet to be officially approved, but I will give you a hint: I have become very interested in studying women composers (or as I like to call them, composers) as of late, and I shall be studying (*fingers crossed*) in the United Kingdom. Interest piqued? I sure hope so. Also, to draw you in even more, I shall be applying not only to the wonderful University of Cardiff in Wales, but also to Cambridge University and, perhaps, Oxford. I won't bore you with long, drawn-out explanations of childhood dreams and their unrequited fulfillments, but I will say that getting into any of those three schools would make me the happiest I have ever been in my life.
Currently, I am rehearsing three hours a day for the University of Montana's production of The Legend of Orpheus, a pastiche opera written by Prof. Anne Basinski and Dr. David Cody. I play a shepherd in the first act and Pluto, the god of the underworld in the second act. I promise you now that there will be photos of both personalities posted to this blog as soon as we go up (February 14, collective "aww"). Following that, I will finish out my time here in Missoula teaching and taking my final classes to qualify me for my masters degree and will graduate in May. I will let all of you wonderful readers know as soon as I find out about UK acceptances and (hopefully not, but let's not swell our heads too much) rejections.
Until there is further news, or I come up with a random music-related topic to discuss on this blog (perhaps an exposé on my transformation from "barichunk" to "barihunk"?), I bid you adieu to continue on into my collegiate fugue state.
"What a good thing this isn't music." - Gioachino Rossini on Hector Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique
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