How Fat I Really Am

It never ceases to amaze me how well the human mind can trick itself. Throughout my life I have struggled with my weight. I understood to a certain point how much weight I had gained and I took small measures to quell its course. I recently finished a challenge I set for myself to walk everyday for 80 days straight. I finished that challenge and went on to the next. My next step will be walking the Seattle Marathon at the end of November.

Today was day two of marathon training which included going to the gym for an hour of strength training (I love that class and had done it for over a month last year and enjoyed it thoroughly, so it was a joy to rejoin the class), followed by a mile-long walk. One of the walls at the gym is completely made out of mirrors and it was the first time I had really looked at myself in awhile. I hardly recognized who I saw looking back at me, as clichéd as that sounds.

I had noticed my clothes getting tighter recently and food has always been my comfort strategy when I'm stressed out. These past two weeks have been really stressing me out, what with moving across state and having to start over from scratch. Even being on vacation stresses me out (I really like having a set schedule). So I had been eating a lot more than usual. But none of that knowledge prepared me for what I saw. And I realized exactly how fat I really am.

People have always been kind in saying that I carry my weight well and that I look really good, but recently I've been noticing how quickly my joints wear out, numbness when I sit in a chair (most chairs are far too small and hit my legs in the weirdest places), that sort of thing. But still I tricked myself into thinking that I am much smaller than I actually am. I got to the point where I could joke about my weight and actually felt at home in my skin. That was a false indicator. Now I feel even less at home in my skin because I do not feel as fat as I am. Now I know, more than ever, how hard I need to work to be healthy and how much time I really need to spend on myself.

I am not saying any of this to be down on myself or anyone else. It was simply an epiphany that I had today, and realized exactly how much time I hadn't been spending on my own health and well-being. At this point I understand how big my body is, how alive and ready I am to live, and how much I need to match my body to my mind. I do not see fat when I look into the mirror. I see me.

Now it's time for the world to see me, too.